Mean Machine's PSA

Fade in on a wrestling ring in the middle of a gymnasium. Mean Machine is standing in the middle of the ring grinning at the camera. Behind him are several nervous-looking young wrestlers in workout gear.

Mean Machine: Hi. My name is Mean Machine, and I’m one of the hottest superstars in WUW. I’m here at the WUW Power Plant to talk to you about safety, and to illustrate that untrained couch potatoes like our fans should never try the sort of dangerous maneuvers we professionals do in the ring.

He gestures over to the line of rookies and one of them hesitantly comes over to join him.

Mean Machine: Jimmy here is going to help me illustrate what I’m talking about. Right, Jimmy?

Jimmy: My name’s Carl…

Mean Machine: Nobody cares, Jimmy. Now to start with, you should never sucker punch an opponent who’s not expecting it.

Jimmy: Huh?

Without warning, Mean Machine levels the kid with a brutal lariat. His victim lies on the mat groaning.

Mean Machine: And when dropping an elbow on somebody, you definitely don’t want to aim at their nose.

He abruptly drops out of the frame and there is a meaty *SMACK* sound off camera.

Jimmy: OW! My nose!

Mean Machine pops up into frame wiping some blood off his right elbow.

Mean Machine: These are the kinds of things you can only learn at a real wrestling school like this one. Walk it off, Jimmy.

Jimmy: I think it’s broken!

Still smiling, Mean Machine kicks the still off-camera Jimmy out of the ring.

Mean Machine: Even something as simple as a back body drop can go horribly wrong if you don’t know what you’re doing. Let’s how ‘em how it’s done, Tommy.

He gestures to the next trainee in line, who steps forward with a scared look on his face. The kid bounces off the ropes and comes running at Mean Machine. The Machine bends down and lifts Tommy in a standard back body drop, but then elevates him much higher than normal causing him to fly completely over the ring ropes and crash to the floor with a resounding *THUD.*

Tommy: Oh God, my back!

Mean Machine: See? These are the kinds of serious injuries that can happen if you try to do what we do without our years of training and top-level conditioning.

Mean Machine: Okay, Billy. Let’s show ‘em how a pro does a tope con hilo to the floor.

Billy: Uh, Is that something I know how to do?

Mean Machine: [annoyed] For God’s sake, it’s a just a suicide dive through the ropes. Don’t they teach you kids anything? You know what I’m talking about now, right?

Billy: Oh, well we’ve done a couple of those in practice, I guess. But I don’t really…

Mean Machine: Good enough. [he rolls out of the ring] Okay, now the way this works is Billy is going to run across the ring and jump through the ropes to the floor. As the guy on the ground, my job is to catch him so he doesn’t break his neck. Ready, Billy?

Billy: [nervously] Not really…

Mean Machine: Quit milking it and do the move, Billy.

Billy dutifully dashes across the ring and hurls himself through the ropes, but his foot snags on the middle rope as he goes by, causing him to skew wildly off course. Mean Machine steps deftly aside and watches as the kid flies by and collides heavily with an exercise bike.

Mean Machine: Okay, next I want to show… [He looks back at the ring, but it is mysteriously empty of trainees. Off camera a door slams.] Well, looks like we’re done here.

So remember, folks. Don’t try this at home. We have years of experience that keeps us safe. [he glanced down at Billy, who is writhing on the floor in pain] Or safe-ish anyway. For WUW this is future champion Mean Machine saying good night and stay safe!

Fade out to the WUW logo, and then to black.

Note: This can go anyplace you need to pad out a show, Bud.